Why Are There So Few Legit Speakeasies?

What is a speakeasy?
Dictionary: A hidden, illicit bar that originally sold alcoholic beverages during the American Prohibition era. In 1920 the 18th Amendment outlawed the manufacture, sale, and transportation of intoxicating liquors. It was repealed in 1933.

These mysterious bars have been immortalized in period movies as somewhat glamorous versions of what were most likely less-than-amazing bars. But today they can be stylish watering holes to enjoy exquisite craft cocktails conjured by top mixologists. At least we can enjoy them without the fear of being busted by the cops. So why do so many bars that try to be a speakeasy fall short?

Recently I was invited to attend a soft opening of a new speakeasy in Portland. A lot of bars claiming to be speakeasies fall far short of that title, so I’m usually skeptical. But the person who contacted me said there were certain phrases I’d need to say to the two doormen to gain entrance. It sounded like they were making a legit effort.
When I arrived, there was a big sign for the bar out front, and you could see inside from the windows facing the street. They weren’t hiding the ball — Stevie Wonder could see there’s a bar there. There were no doormen. I stepped inside and the staff were a bit overwhelmed with arrivals. It was their first day, so grace should be extended as they get up to speed.
The decor did have a cool prohibition vibe, and there was a skilled musician playing guitar and serenading the patrons. A few ladies wore flapper-inspired outfits. My media invitation included one free drink, so I made my way to the bar. I could see their stock was limited. I inquired as to which sweet vermouths they had — I’ve used this question for years to qualify a bar. Their answer speaks volumes. I learned they had two: Martini & Rossi and Boissiere, which are low-level. I asked which amaros they had. The bartender was unsure. If memory serves, they had Nonino and Fernet Branca. Those are lightweights. I asked if he could make me a Vieux Carré, which is a classic cocktail that originated at The Monteleone in New Orleans. He said he could.
As he was mixing my drink, he said he was missing one of the ingredients — I think it was Bénédictine. But at this point I just wanted to move on, and I agreed to his suggested substitution. The end result was a poor representation of a Vieux Carré. But thankfully, it was free.


Speakeasy essentials:

1) From the street, there’s no sign or other indication that it’s a bar. This should be extremely obvious, but it’s uncanny how many saloon owners skip this part.
2) Obviously, there are no windows. You can’t make it too easy for the coppers.
3) There’s usually a gatekeeper/doorman to keep out the riffraff and the feds.
4) The decor has a prohibition vibe.
5) The bar offers classic cocktails.
6) The drinks better be good. People will come once for the vibe, but they won’t return for mediocre cocktails.


Bonus:
1) A secret door. Some people think all speakeasies have secret doors, but that’s not true. Some are just nondescript doors in alleys. Some of these joints are in a converted house. But secret doors are super fun and I love them.
2) No TVs. A speakeasy is not a sports bar. A TV kills the prohibition vibe and is about as savvy as bringing a skunk to a wedding.


Speakeasy etiquette:
a) Keep the noise down: It’s called a speakeasy for a reason. Avoid shouting across tables or drawing unwanted attention.
b) Put the phone away: Refrain from flash photography, video recording, or loud phone calls, as many venues ban devices to protect guest privacy.
c) Dress appropriately: Most don’t have dress codes, but shorts, flip-flops, and a hoodie in this setting are uncouth.

Shining examples of speakeasies:
Here’s a list of the best clandestine bars. They are different and exceptional.

Please Don’t Tell – NYC
Death & Company – NYC
Employees Only – NYC
Red Phone Booth – Atlanta
Bathtub Gin – Seattle
À Toi – Inside Coffee Oysters Champagne – Toronto
Jerry Thomas Speakeasy – Rome
Vanilla Club – Florence
No Vacancy – Hollywood
The Baxter Inn – Sydney


Speakeasy in VanPort:

The Multnomah Whiskey Library
It’s low-key, but there is a sign out front. There are gatekeepers because it’s a private club. And of course, the drinks are top-notch. You have to be a member or a guest of one to gain entrance. Unfortunately, the membership fee has skyrocketed over the years. Now you have to shell out $875 a year to drink with the other people who paid $875.

Bible Club PDX
It’s in a converted house, has lovely music, and is inspired by prohibition. The cocktails are very good, depending on who is mixing.

Nevertheless, I’m still confident some entrepreneur will see the opportunity and create an epic speakeasy in VanPort. If you discover one, let me know on the down-low.